Coping With Change — How To Be In-Between

Surprise: I'm leaving New York! I'm in the process of packing up my whole life (again) and moving down to the Washington, DC area. This transition has me thinking a lot about coping with change, or the idea of being in-between.

We've been talking a lot about this at Pretty Decent this month, mainly because it's a question so many people struggle with. When we're in-between, in the messy middle, it can get real anxious real fast.

After all, if you're always waiting for the next thing to happen, you inevitably start sweating a little wondering when it'll arrive (or how it'll feel when it finally does).

When it comes to coping with change, or being comfortable in-between, to me it becomes a question about tension.

What do we do with the tension that comes up when we're in-between big life changes?

The feeling I've had for the past few weeks is almost like the moment right before a big sneeze. My body feels taught, rigid — like it's waiting for something that hasn't happened yet, but is about to throw my whole world off tilt. 

In the book Burnout by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and Amelia Nagoski, D.M.A., they would likely call this the result of me not "closing the stress cycle."

The metaphor they use is one of running from a tiger. If you suddenly saw a tiger out in the wild, your body would obviously have an instinctual reaction. Fight, flight, freeze and all that. You might start running, which would cause the tiger to chase you.

If you got all the way back to your house, locked the door and turned and saw the tiger walking away, your body would likely release a bit of tension. After all, you're safe now — you can see that with your own eyes. 

But let's say you got all the way home and suddenly realized the tiger had disappeared. Poof, gone. I'm willing to bet you wouldn't sleep for weeks, thinking the tiger was just around the corner waiting for you to slip up and get eaten.

The Nagoski's basically say that in modern life, when most of us don't have to deal with angry tigers but do have to deal with things like life-changing moves, anxious text messages and deadlines piling up at work, we don't often get the opportunity to close that stress cycle — in short, the tiger is always lurking the corner.

That's basically how I feel all the time lately. 

So what can we do?

Use your body

The simplest solution is to stretch or exercise, if you're able. One of our members, Jenny, has been sharing stretch breaks on IGTV that have been getting me THROUGH it. 

Exercise is a mood-booster, there's simply no way around it. But I've noticed there are other tension-relievers that I've been needing, even when I'm avoiding the idea of getting out of bed. Crying, for one. That "Oh no I'm about to sneeze" feeling? Yeah, I just needed to cry. 

Sobbing, moving our body, going for a walk, having a deep belly laugh — all of these things release tension built up in our bodies. If you're on the precipice of a big change, I highly recommend finding a way to give your body something to do. 

Find the sweet spot between planning and avoiding

I love a mood board. You won't be surprised to learn that my new place (my first ever apartment alone!) is already mapped out in explicit detail.

Dreaming and planning is fun, it's exciting, it's creative — and yes, I'm pretty sure it helped me manifest the studio space at exactly the price I wanted to pay.

At the same time, my tendency to stay "in the clouds" sometimes pulls me out of the present moment. If you're a generally anxious-avoidant person like me, spending all your time planning for the future might help you cope with change, but it also might have you staring at your phone scrolling Facebook marketplace when you could be having a conversation with the people right in front of you.

I also find myself pushing everything healthy or good for me to "after the move," which I think is also a romanticized way of...literally avoiding everything. When will I start recording YouTube videos? After the move. Buy groceries? After the move. Work out? After the move.

What's happening as a result is that I'm pretty much constantly feeling disregulated, which is building up even more anxious tension in my body.

I'm challenging myself to do things now that I imagine I'll do then. What will this Highest Self, living alone with her own fridge (Thank you God) do? What will she eat? How will she spend her time? I have access to those behaviors now, even if they are a bit less convenient than they hopefully will be in a new place. 

Connect your choices with your values

When my Dad died, I was thrust into change somewhat unexpectedly. One day I had a Dad that I could text and ask to talk to the mechanic for me, the next day I did not. I didn't choose for that major life change to happen right then and there, which made it hard to "decide" anything — I felt like I was just floating around, making impulsive decisions. (Like I literally almost bought a chinchilla, then decided a month later after buying the cage and all of the materials that I was moving to New York.)

This life change, while still pretty major, is chosen and intentional. I'm grieving again, both a family member and a chapter of my life that's closing, which means I don't get to decide how I feel all the time.

But I do get to decide what I do with my time and energy, how I speak to people and, yes, how I'm going to decorate the new place.

In both situations, the only common thread that I actually have any control over is how well my actions are aligning to my values — namely freedom, peace, community, optimism, beauty and fulfillment.

I can't control whether there's a gas smell in my new apartment because the previous tenant left the stove on (?!? lol) but I can interact peacefully with the front desk worker who calls to let me know.

I can't control how much space I currently have, but I can go for a walk instead of staring at the boxes crowding my room.

I can't control how anxious I'm feeling, but I can connect with members at Pretty Decent instead of swimming in circles around my own head.

Which brings me to my last point:

Take tiny, uncomplicated actions

The process of moving from one state to another is complicated. Calling and switching the address on my Vanity Fair subscription is not.

Starting a business, with all the bells and whistles, is complicated. Spending one hour brainstorming ideas for sales copy is not.

When we look at big goals from only a bird's eye view, we inevitably get overwhelmed — especially those of us with brains that interpret "change" as "danger." I don't like being disregulated. I don't like instability. I like waking up, having the same breakfast with the same coffee and doing my morning pages at an uncluttered desk.

And yet right now I have to live a little chaotically in order to get to the next phase of this journey.

So instead of hyper-focusing on the big stuff, or unanswered questions (Am I going to get everything done? Will I make any friends? What does this mean about my life?) I'm choosing to center around the small, uncomplicated action steps. I cleaned my freezer. I reserved an elevator. I'm ordering Chic-Fil-A. It's gonna be fine.

In conclusion, I leave you with a Mac Miller line that I'm considering tattooing to the inside of my eyeballs: "From stressful waters to relief."

If you're like me and going through any kind of transition right now — big or small — I want you to know that you're not alone. And if you need someone to talk to...

Join our Slack channel! It's free and full of creative thinkers all over the world who would love to hear about what you're dreaming up.